


Surrender

by platypoos



Category: Real Person Fiction, Rizzoli & Isles, Rizzoli & Isles RPF
Genre: F/F, RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:32:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6090186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platypoos/pseuds/platypoos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: RPF so if you're not into that, you know what to do. ;) This is based on a prompt for R&I behind the scenes with AH/SA angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whether I continue or not all depends on responses. Silence, of course, is a definite NO. ;)

“I have to quit, Jan.”

 

Jan has barely taken a sip of her coffee when she hears those words from one of her stars. She looks up, half-expecting a smirk or a teasing smile on Sasha Alexander’s face. Sure, this kind of joke would be more up the alley of her other star, Angie Harmon, but Sasha does have a wicked sense of humor herself. 

 

Only, none of that is evident on her face right now. She is all subdued seriousness, gravity. 

 

“Quit what?” Jan finds herself asking rather dumbly.

 

“The show. I can’t come back for a seventh season, Jan. I’m sorry.” Sasha looks down, nervously picking at the tip of a finger.

 

“What...why not? Did something happen, Sash? Did you…” Jan pauses, unsure of whether to even put it out to the other woman. “Did you get an offer for another show? Are they getting you to be a regular on Shameless? Because I’m sure we can work your schedule out.”

 

“No no no, it’s definitely not that. It’s…” Sasha takes a deep breath, determination wavering a tad at the sight of Jan’s shocked and hurt expression. “It’s personal, Jan. Just...believe that I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to. I love the show, I love everyone. I just...I can’t do it anymore.”

 

Jan could see the pain and torment painted plainly on Sasha’s face. With the shock that came from the initial announcement wearing off, she settles her thoughts, racking her brain for an explanation. 

 

“But we have a great team and it’s our final season. Why quit now? Why not finish it out as a family, the way you all started out, and go out with a bang?” The producer asks, feeling herself getting excited. And with excitement came hope. “Come on, Sash, whatever it is...if you’re having trouble at home or with anything, let us be there to support you through it. It would be the worst time to leave if you’re having troubles at home -”

 

“I’m not having troubles at home.”

 

“If it’s about a raise, we can talk about -”

 

“I don’t want a raise,” Sasha quickly rejects the theory.

 

“Ok,” Jan pauses to gather lost momentum. “If you’re having troubles professionally or or...wait, you’re not sick, are you? Oh my god, is that why you can’t continue, you’re sick?”

 

“Nooo, Jan. I’m not sick. I’m as fit and healthy as I’ve ever been. It’s...it’s just something I can’t talk about. You’d just have to trust that I’ve thought long and hard about this.” The actress’ head drops, the weight of her decision evident on her slumped shoulders. “This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life, Jan. Please don’t think I’m taking this lightly at all. I’ve...I’ve weighed everything out and at the end of the day, I’ve decided this would be the best for An...for everyone. For me.” Her breath quickens noticeably, this not going unnoticed by the director’s trained, observant eyes. 

 

Jan had also noticed the almost slip-up and, putting everything she’s observed lately, for most of the sixth season, in fact - she’s slowly coming to the conclusion that this has something to do with her other star. 

 

Their chemistry on camera had been evident from the beginning, something she’s rarely witnessed in any other shows or movies. She knew it was special. What had baffled her had been the discreet but unmistakable distance between the two stars once the cameras stopped rolling. Sure, within the group - cast and crew - there would always be fun and laughter. But she had never seen the two spend more than five minutes together or exchange anything more than barely friendly words with each other. Nothing like the close co-stars she’d always thought them to be, based on the research she’d done on the show. 

 

Tension. 

 

There had always been tension between them, not quite the negative kind. Just the kind she couldn’t quite put a finger to. 

 

“Sasha, do you trust me?” she asks the blonde quietly, looking her in the eyes with as much sincerity as she could muster. 

 

“Of course, Jan.”

 

“Do you trust me enough to tell me? I’m not asking as your boss now, Sash,” she keeps her eyes locked on Sasha’s, “I’m asking as a friend who wants to help. I can tell it’s something with...something’s going on between you and...Angie.” Jan treads quietly, carefully, still unsure if she’s overstepped her bounds even after she’d finished off her statement. 

 

The look of guilt on Sasha’s face puzzles her. 

 

“What? No, what do you mean something’s going on between me and Angie? Nothing’s...nothing’s going on. I mean why...we’re not…”

 

“I’m sorry, Sasha. I just thought maybe...you two have issues with each other. Professionally? Screen time? Character direction? Or is it personal? Did you have a...disagreement about anything?”

 

Sasha looks completely uncomfortable now, like a dog trapped in a corner, terrified but with all her defenses up. Jan knows instantly she’s hit the nail right on the head. 

 

This has to be about Angie. 

 

“It’s not about screen time or the story or my character or anything about the show per se. If I had any issue with those things, you know I wouldn’t hesitate to take that up with you.”

 

“Then it must be personal,” Jan prompts gently, watching Sasha finally take a seat on the chair in front of her desk. 

 

“If I admit that it is, will you...will you leave it alone?”

 

“So it is personal,” Jan remarks, almost to herself. “Sasha, you’re both amazing, kind people, I can’t imagine it can be anything you two aren’t capable of working out.”

 

“I agree.” Her response throws Jan off. She had been expecting Sasha to dispute her statement at least. 

 

“So there you go then, work it out and finish the show off with the family intact.”

 

“I agree it’s something we should be able to work out. But not while we’re working together. It just…” she hesitates, “It just doesn’t help our...our issue, working together. It only...it seems to only make it worse.”

 

“What exactly is the issue?” Jan presses. 

 

“I’d really rather not say, Jan…”

 

“I can’t imagine anything can be so serious you can’t resolve it with a talk.”

 

“Talking has not helped…”

 

“So you have tried to talk about it?”

 

“Of course, we have. I have.” A hint of resistance, of spirit tints the actress’ tone now. 

 

“And you weren’t able to come to an agreement? A compromise? Middle ground?”

 

“It’s not that simple, Jan,” Sasha sighs, frustration setting in. 

 

“I can’t understand how it couldn’t be that simple. You’re two intelligent, caring people. What can be so bad that you can’t put it behind you, do one last season and finish off the show with you two’s tandem intact? Why can’t you try and -”

 

“I kissed her!”

 

TBC?


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments. I honestly wasn't sure whether to continue. Feels a little weird writing about real people but...it's still fiction. FICTION. Alright? Nothing real about this at all, just a reminder. And a disclaimer.

“I kissed her!” Sasha exclaims with frustration mixed in with anguish and reluctant regret. “And she can’t forgive me, she’s hated me since!”

 

It takes Jan a moment to allow Sasha’s almost screaming interruption to sink in. When it does, her mouth hangs open momentarily, shocked.

 

“I...that’s...totally not what I expected. I’m sorry...do you want to talk about it, Sash?” Jan gets up, walks around her desk and sits on the chair in front of the blonde actress. She takes the Sasha’s hands in hers, squeezing comfortingly. “I have a bit of experience in this matter, you know,” Jan says, trying to lighten up the highly emotional situation. “You can talk to me and expect nothing more than absolute honesty and objectivity. Even if I consider Angie a close friend. I value your friendship just as much so I’m talking to you with that in mind, not our professional relationship.”

 

Sasha continues to look down, close to tears. “I don’t even know what to tell you. It’s just...I don’t think there’s anything that can make things better except if I,” she pauses painfully, “except if I quit so she won’t have to keep seeing me and pretending we’re ok.”

 

“Why not start from the beginning? When did you…” Jan is unsure how to proceed, sure only that she has to do so with much sensitivity, “When did you kiss her?”

 

Sasha sighs loudly and with much torment evident. “When we were shooting Lee’s memorial episode. We were both just...grieving and I just...I care for her so much and she was so distraught and I just wanted to comfort her and she was accepting of my comfort and I had my arms around her and we were both crying and and before I knew what I was doing I was...I was kissing her.” It all rushes out of Sasha, words tumbling out as if freed from captivity. “I was kissing her Jan and she…she was kissing me back,” she cries out, almost pleading for the other woman to understand her, to withhold judgment. “And then we stopped and she...I clearly remember the look of shock on her face, of just...plain and utter regret. And then she pushed me away.” 

 

“Oh, Sasha…” Jan says, reaching out to hug the blonde comfortingly. “It was an emotional time for all you. You both needed comfort and it just happened. You were carried away by your grief. Surely you could have talked about it? Didn’t you?”

 

“I tried to. I really did...several times. For a while, she didn’t want to but eventually, she gave up and talked to me about it and we agreed to forget it had happened and to chalk it up to friends grieving and comforting each other.” Sasha pulls away, leaning back tiredly against the chair. 

 

Jan watches her, confused. “If that’s so then...then aren’t you two ok?”

 

Sasha stares back at her. Stares through her, more like it, shaking her head. “We are and...we’re not.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I feel it, Jan. We’ve never been able to get back to how we were before I did that stupid thing and kissed her. She’s been distant, almost aloof. She can barely hug me when she greeted me on my birthday. And the only time she seems willing to look at me is when we’re Jane and Maura.” The blonde’s eyes begin to water again, evidently unhappy and frustrated. “It’s like she can barely stand being in the same room with me and I...I just know she hasn’t forgiven me. I know how much she regrets what happened and I know she can’t stand me and I just...I can’t do it anymore, Jan. You have to understand, it’s so fucking hard and painful for me.”

 

The cuss word throws Jan off. “Can I ask you something, Sash? And please don’t be mad, I’m asking as a friend and only to get a better understanding of your...situation.” Sasha nods, not even fully cognizant of what she is agreeing to. Jan leans in, taking Sasha’s hands in each of hers and looking the blonde directly in her eyes. “Do you regret it? Do you regret kissing her?”

 

Jan watches the blonde’s head drop, hears her heartbroken sigh. Even as she waits for Sasha to reply, she feels like she has her answer. 

 

“Oh, honey,” she wraps an arm around the blonde again, feeling her shoulders shaking as she finally gives in to tears. “Oh, Sasha...I didn’t know. Do you have feelings for her?”

 

After another lengthy moment of not getting a reply except for the sound of quiet crying, she finally hears Sasha’s distraught voice. “I don’t know, Jan. I’m so confused. I just know how I felt when I was kissing her and how I felt when she started distancing herself from me. It’s…I just don’t know.” 

 

“Oh, hon...I get you, I do. It couldn’t have been easy, all this time, holding this in. Does anyone else know?”

 

Sasha shakes her head. “You’re the first one I’ve told. I don’t know about her, if she’s...if she’s told anyone about it.”

 

“Have you tried talking to her about it again? Tried reaching out and asking her if you could get back to being friends if you’ve both agreed to move on and forget the kiss happened anyway?”

 

“I have, a couple of times.” Sasha quickly wipes her eyes, almost violently, when she hears footsteps approaching. “She dismisses it...me. She says there’s nothing left to talk about because to her, it never happened and that we’re, we’re ok anyway so there’s no need to talk.” She reaches for the box of tissues on Jan’s desk, dabbing at her smeared mascara. “But we’re not ok, Jan. We’re far from ok,” she adds with much resignation, finally having gathered herself. 

 

Their heads both turn toward the door before Jan could reply. When the producer turns back toward the blonde, she has her sunglasses on, halfway up from her chair. 

 

Just as Sasha gives her a hasty hug, Jan spies the subject of their conversation enter her office, watching her entrance with slightly panicked eyes from over the blonde’s shoulder. 

 

“H-hey Ang, what brought you over?” She asks, wanting to clue Sasha in and give her fair warning. She feels the blonde immediately stiffen. 

 

“Just wanted to pop in bef- “ Angie stops, noticing the other person in the room. “Just wanted to pop in before leaving but hey, I didn’t know you had a visi- I didn’t know S-Sasha’s here, I’ll come back later.” 

 

Jan’s left tongue tied, unsure of how to reply. To her surprise, Sasha turns around and saves her from having to. “It’s ok, I was just leaving,” she announces, only the barest hint of shakiness in her voice. “See you Monday, Jan.” She pauses in front of the taller brunette standing by the doorway, clearly weighing her next move. She reaches a hand out to Angie’s elbow, lightly and oh so quickly patting. “Have a safe flight home, Ang. I’ll uh..I’ll see you Monday.” 

 

Jan swallows nervously, now fully clued in to the situation and aware of the tension hanging in the air. 

 

“What time’s your flight?” she asks the first question that pops to mind. 

 

It takes Angie a moment to answer, appearing distracted, brows furrowed. “Oh, uh…” she hesitates when she realizes Jan had asked her a question. “Flight’s at 9:30. I just wanted to say bye. I uh...I have to go shower and pack.” 

 

“Oh, you better get outta here then. Traffic’s terrible now.” She moves in for a hug, giving the tall brunette a friendly shove when they pull apart. 

 

“I am, I am. I’m leaving now, jeez.” 

 

“I just don’t want you to miss your flight and miss out on more time with the kiddos.” Jan smiles fondly at her other star, internally distracted by her previous visitor. 

 

“I know, I can’t wait to see them.” Angie leans in for another hug before quickly saying another goodbye and heading out the door. Before she fully steps out, the brunette hesitates at the door, appearing uncertain about something. Finally she turns back toward Jan, feigning indifference. “Hey so uh, any reason Sasha dropped by?”

 

The question throws Jan off completely, her instinct to reply with some made up mundane reason. But something stops her. An urge to play devil’s advocate and, at the same time, maybe give the brunette in front of her something to think about. Maybe give her reason to use the weekend away from work to think about her relationship with her co-star, who also seemed to be a good friend not too long ago. 

 

Jan sighs, unsure about the wisdom of what she wants to do. What finally pushes her off the cliff is the look of fear and concern Angie can no longer hide. 

 

She must care. She can’t be as apathetic as she’s pretending to be.

 

“I’m not sure I’m at liberty to say anything, Angie…” Jan begins, still unsure, willing to let it go if Angie would. 

 

“Come on, Jan, you can’t say that and not expect me to get it out of you,” Angie complains, pretending to make light of the conversation but unable to hide her anxiety and uneasiness. 

 

“It’s uh...Sasha’s…” Jan rakes her fingers through her curls, nervous and apprehensive. 

 

“Come ooooon, it’s mean to hold me in suspense like this. Just spit it out, Jan!” Angie groans, taking a couple of steps back toward the producer. 

 

“Sasha’s quitting the show.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the readers and commenters. I'll skip the disclaimer, you know what kind of story this is so if it isn't you cuppa tea, you know what you have to do (leave and not read? ;)). Otherwise, sorry if this is all I can come up with after the long break, too busy to write more. I plan to continue though, I've been sent requests/recommendations for where to take this and I have a plan in mind.

“Quitting what? Which show?” Angie asks, her thick brows furrowed in confusion, brain unwilling to process the obvious answer. “Oh oh oh, wait, you mean Shameless?” she tries to confirm, quickly tempering the rise in her pitch and putting away the relief she inexplicably feels for later dissection. 

 

Jan sighs and shakes her head. Her face displays sadness and regret, cluing Angie in on the answer to her question. “She’s quitting Rizzoli & Isles? But…” she takes a breath, more wondering out loud than directly asking the older woman. “But it’s our last season. She can’t just finish it up?” This time the tall brunette feels some irritation bubbling in her chest. 

 

“I asked just as much,” Jan replies simply. “But she said she can’t and her reasons are,” she hesitates, unsure whether Angie has any clue at all the role she plays in her co-star’s decision. “Her reasons are...compelling. “ She thinks she detects something in Angie’s eyes. 

 

“Did...did she tell you exactly why?”

 

“She...she gave me a hint of what it is. It’s personal and...I don’t really know, Ang.” Jan sits back on her desk, feeling exhausted all of a sudden, the implications on the show and the decisions that now have to be made suddenly sinking in. “I’m hoping the week off for everyone gives her time to, I don’t know...reconsider maybe. Maybe at least be in the last 2 or 3 episodes at least…” 

 

Jan leaves her thought hanging, instead settling her eyes on Angie who she realizes may not have been listening to her at all as she sees the brunette’s forehead creased, eyes staring off somewhere in the vicinity of her desk. 

 

She appears to snap out of whatever trance she had been in after a while, shaking a headful of curls as she breathes in harshly. “Yeah, yeah, I hope so. But hey, I gotta go, flight to catch. I’ll see you in a week, alright.” Angie gives Jan a hurried, distracted hug before quickly turning toward the door. 

 

“Angie.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You’re not even gonna try to talk to Sash?”

 

“Ta...wh...I mean, if you think I should, I...I guess I can. Although I’m not sure how much help-”

 

“Don’t you think you’re part of this decision?” Jan asks, telling herself this question she would’ve asked regardless of whether she had been privy or not to the recently revealed information from Sasha. 

 

“What? Why would I be part of her decision? I mean...did she say I’m why she’s quitting?” Fear and irritation color the actress’ tone. 

 

“That’s not what I meant, Ang. I mean...you two are my leads, you’re the title characters. Her decision affects you...and the show, too, of course. But she’s the Isles to your Rizzoli. If she quits...I’m not sure how to go on with the show. I don’t mean we won’t have a season seven...just that I have no idea how to get on with it if she does quit.”

 

Again, brunette head bows heavily, eventually nodding almost imperceptibly.

 

“I’ll talk to her.” 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Unable to sleep, her conversation with Jan and then having to leave Angie behind with their boss afterward weighing heavily on her mind, Sasha finds herself sitting in her garden well past midnight, cup of tea keeping her hands warm. 

 

Several times, she has debated whether to send the text she had typed up to Jan, wondering whether Jan had revealed the gist of their conversation to Angie. She had immediately regretted that, in her hurry to leave, she had forgotten to ask Jan to keep her quitting a secret for a few days at least. Such is the severity of her edginess and itch to contact Jan that when her phone’s ringtone starts to sound, she literally jumps a couple of inches off the bench. 

 

Sure it would be Jan, she quickly takes the call. 

“I was just thinking about you, I’m so glad you called so I won’t even have to think about sending that text now,” she quickly rambles off. 

 

She gets silence in answer to her not-quite-greeting. 

 

“What’s in the text?” A voice - familiar but definitely not Jan’s - finally replies. 

 

Angie’s. 

 

She would recognize that voice anywhere. 

 

“Oh..uh, uhm hey, uh...Angie. I’m sorry I thought you were Jan,” the normally articulate blonde stammers. 

 

“Oh.” Angie takes a breath, feeling mildly disappointed. “Uhm, hey. I’m sorry to call so late, it’s just...I just got home and the kids are all in bed but I...I couldn’t sleep and I uh, I promised Jan I’d call you...talk to you so uhm yeah, I’m calling.” She stops, takes a breath. “Can we talk?” When she doesn’t get an immediate reply, Angie slaps her forehead in realization. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, Sash, I didn’t realize it’s almost 2. You must have been sleeping I’m so sor-”

 

“No, no it’s ok. I was up anyway. I uh...I can talk.”

 

“I don’t want to wake anyone, Sash. I can call you again tomorrow...later.”

 

Sasha smiles, instinctively pleased to hear the other woman call her by shortened name. It has been a while since she’s even looked her in the eye, much less called her by her name. 

 

“I’m sitting in my garden actually.”

 

“At this hour?”

 

Sasha smiles again, feeling an inordinate amount of pleasure from something so mundane as an almost-normal conversation with the co-star she has undeniably missed. 

 

“I couldn’t sleep.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, so…”

 

“Thinking about what you and Jan talked about earlier?” Angie asks, taking advantage of the opening to bring the topic up. 

 

Sasha sighs, getting the answer to her question. Jan for sure has told Angie. 

 

“Yes, I have been thinking about it. Among other things,” the blonde admits quietly.

 

It’s Angie’s turn to sigh. 

 

“Why now?”

 

“I know I should have quit early on...before this season even began. On hindsight, that probably would have been bet-”

 

“That’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to imply you should’ve quit earlier, Sasha,” the brunette cuts in, frustration evident in her tone. “I meant why quit now when we’re going on our last season anyway? Why can’t you just see the show through to the end?” she continues to question, catching steam. “Do you realize you’re putting other people’s jobs in jeopardy, too? Jan said she doesn’t even know if she can get on with next season if one of her leads isn’t there.” Angie knows the last bit may have been Jan’s actual statement tweaked but she couldn’t stop herself. “Why can’t you do it for the crew and for Jan at least?”

 

“Because it’s killing me, being around you knowing you hate me!” Sasha practically shouts, equally frustrated and irate now. 

 

The angry declaration stuns Angie into silence. 

 

“I don’t hate you.”

 

“You could’ve fooled me,” Sasha retorts, still heated. “Is that why you couldn’t even look at me except when you’re Jane and I’m Maura? Is that why you’ve barely said a word to me all season? Is it also why you’ve asked to have our schedules such that our scenes together are done in as few days as possible?” Sasha stops only long enough to catch her breath. “Yes, Angie, I knew about your request. I also know that, although you didn’t expressly ask for it to be the case, you’ve expressed your opinion to the writers about easing up on the physical contact between our characters because it’s not true to the characters.” 

 

“Sasha that’s not -”

 

“Now tell me you don’t hate me, Angie,” Sasha cuts the brunette off, apparently not done with her rant. “Just don’t expect me to believe you,”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are explored. Or begin to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments. Usual disclaimer, this is a work of FICTION. I know nothing about what really goes on BTS. I just have a pretty good imagination. Ha!

Chapter 4

 

“Just don’t expect me to believe you.”

 

“Sasha, it’s...I don’t hate you,” Angie pauses as if waiting for the blonde to interrupt again. “It’s...it’s hard to explain but it hasn’t been easy for me either. Can we just...if I promise you I will try to act better around you. If I promise one of these days, we’ll sit down and talk, would you at least think about changing your decision?”

 

Only silence greets Angie’s offer of a truce. 

 

“You don’t have to answer right now, I know it’s not a good time and you would want to -”

 

“Ok. I’ll think about it.”

 

“- think about...wait, did you say ok?”

 

“Yes, I’ll think about it...Angie.” Even saying her name does not come easy anymore for Sasha. “And I’m sorry for going off on you like that. It’s just been confusing and frustrating and...sad, what we’ve come to. And I blame myself for it, believe me, I do. And I’m sorry for...for...ki-”

 

“Let’s not talk about that now, Sash,” the brunette interrupts, not ready to take a walk back down memory lane to where their conflict started. 

 

“Ok, agreed,” Sasha readily gives in, irrationally pleased by the other woman calling her by her protracted name, a small thing but one she’s missed among a host of other small things. “I...I’d really like to talk to you again, Ang.”

 

“Sure. Maybe at a more human-friendly time next time, huh?” Angie jokes, knowing their situation is not fully resolved yet relieved they have taken a first step toward it. Hearing Sasha’s sweet, quiet laugh makes her smile. 

 

“Yeah, maybe...lunch or dinner when you get back to L.A.?”

 

“Sounds good. But hey, do you think...uh, I know it’s late but if you’re not sleepy...maybe uh, we can chat a bit more if that’s -”

 

“Ugh, the lights in the kitchen just turned on. I think Ed might be looking for me,” Sasha cuts Angie’s stuttering offer off, sounding regretful and a tad frustrated. “I’m so sorry Angie, I’m gonna have to go in, the kids might have wok - “

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m tired anyway, go back inside.”

 

Sasha doesn’t miss the change in Angie’s tone, reverting back to the Angie of late, cold and detached. She sighs in both frustration and confusion. “I really would like that lunch or dinner to happen.”

 

“Yeah, sure. We’ll figure it out another time.”

 

“Ok. Good night, Angie,” Sasha calls out softly.

 

“Night,” is all she hears from the other end before a click. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Two weeks later, Sasha finds herself back in Jan’s office, their previous conversation resuming after a couple of weeks to think and be away from the show. 

 

“You have good news for me, I hope?” Jan asks nervously after exchanging greetings with the blonde. 

 

Sasha takes a deep breath but then smiles. “I’ve thought about it, Jan and...even talked to Angie.”

 

“You have? Wow. How did that go?”

 

“It was...awkward in the beginning, as you can probably imagine. But I think we’ve come to a truce of some sort, a stepping off point. Which is why...I’ve decided to stay and finish the show out.”

 

Jan springs out of her chair, running to give the blonde a hug. “You have no idea how happy and relieved I am, lady!”

 

“Oh, I think I do, Jan.” They share a laugh at that, Jan deciding to perch atop her desk instead of returning to her seat and gesturing for the blonde to take a seat on one of the chairs. 

 

“I’m relieved for the show and happy for you, Sasha. So...how are you?”

 

“I’m...ok.”

 

Jan raises an eyebrow at the reply. “Just...ok?” she presses gently. “I mean, last time we talked, I gathered that you might actually...have...feelings for Angie? Was I wrong in thinking that?”

 

“Jan, I have a husband and kids…”

 

“I know that, Sash. But that wasn’t my question.”

 

“Even if I did, it would be wrong and I’m pretty sure it’s just me reacting to having lost her friendship after what I did. I mean...we were close, I considered her a good friend and when I lost that, I may have misinterpreted my feelings.”

 

“Sasha…” Jan pauses, treading carefully so as not to scare the woman who’s obviously confused and conflicted off. “I’m not trying to tell you how you feel. I’m just trying to tell you that...you feel what you feel. Denying your feelings won’t really help.” Watching the blonde continue to look lost, Jan decides to go a different route. “Anyway, how are the kids?”

 

“They’re great. They’re happy and, dare I say, very sane human beings. They just...they’re my joys,” Sasha replies with evident affection. 

 

“You’re a wonderful mother, you shouldn’t be surprised at how well they’ve turned out. What about Edoardo?”

 

“Oh, he’s...he’s ok. Busy with his projects. He’s actually in Italy visiting his mom and meeting with directors and producers.”

 

Jan immediately senses a shift in the blonde’s mood. “Is he away a lot?”

 

“He’s...yeah, I guess you could say that. He’s wonderful with the kids though.”

 

“What about with you?”

 

“Oh,” Sasha reacts, surprised by the question. “He’s...we’re ok.”

“Are you really?” 

 

Sasha sighs, looks down and away from Jan, unable to meet her gaze. “We’re...just like any other couple, we go through rough patches.”

 

“You can talk to me, Sasha. I may not know how it is to have a husband,” she pauses and they share a laugh at that, “but I do have experience with relationships.”

 

Again, the blonde actress sighs. “It’s just...I don’t really see him much anymore.”

 

“Why don’t you ask him to spend less time away from home then?”

 

“That’s just it, Jan.” Closing her eyes and bowing her head again, Sasha continues, barely audible. “I haven’t really been missing him when he’s away.”

 

“Oh.” Jan bites her lip to keep from spitting out the first thing that pops into her head. “Oooooh.”

 

Sasha finally looks up, rolling her eyes at the ineloquent reply. “This is where you tell me I’m not being a good wife, Jan.”

 

“No, this is where I tell you you can’t help how you feel, Sasha. And this is also where I tell you that if you feel that way, then the next step is to examine and figure out why you feel like that.”

 

“I know,” Sasha replies with yet another sigh. “I needed to hear that from someone though.”

 

“Sasha,” the blonde looks up, drawn by the somber tone, “are you still in love with your husband?”

 

The question causes the blonde to bring both hands to her face. Within moments, Jan hears quiet sniffling. “Oh, hey hey now, don’t cry. I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Jan jumps off the desk, crouching in front of Sasha and drawing her into a comforting hug. 

“I…I...don’t...think...I...am,” the blonde manages to eke out between sniffles.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Situations evolve. Tensions...unresolved. Feelings? Still not quite explored. Keep dancing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appreciate all the kudos and reviews! Sorry I took a while. TBH, forgot about this until I checked my email and saw kudos and review alerts. Have a few more chapter outlines ready to go. As for writing them out...  
> Anyway, AGAIN, the DISCLAIMER: ALL FICTION, people. ALL OF IT. I'm armed with an imagination, no BTS knowledge whatsoever, I promise.  
> No beta, no time for one, TBH. Just put up with errors if/when you find them. Gracias!

Sasha arrives the morning of their first day shooting the seventh season, walking straight to the conference room for the read through. Despite six years of having previously gone through this, she feels decidedly more nervous and anxious this time. The reason, she can’t quite dwell on right now. 

“Hey, Sash,” she hears coming from her right, looking up to find Angie’s smiling yet wary pair of brown eyes. 

“Hi, Angie!”

“Ready for this? Last first day of the season.” 

“Well...I guess I am. I don’t really know how I feel about this right now. A bit more anxious than usual,” she rattles off, nerves on display. She moves as if to hug the taller actress, however, is stopped by an awkward pat on her shoulder instead. 

“Final season jitters. I think we all got those,” Angie laughs throatily, the forced nature of it causing it to sound even huskier than usual. 

“Yeah, that’s probably it,” Sasha agrees. She reaches a hand out to squeeze Angie’s arm, somehow still needing the contact. 

“Heeeey!”  the blonde jumps, Harmon’s booming greeting startling her while she watches the towering brunette wave her long arms up and down. Sasha turns around to find the rest of the cast approaching.

Greetings are exchanged, the final read through commences and then eventually ends more than a couple of hours later. Later, half of them goes on to shoot a few scenes, wrapping up well after 1 AM. 

Except for the short chats, mostly talking about blocking and scene treatment, Sasha doesn’t get to talk to Angie again after the initial encounter. She watched her all day horsing around, taking selfies with Jordan or Idara, Jan or one of the crew...whomever was not with Sasha. 

Whatever hopefulness she had woken up and brought to read through with, now all but gone. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next shooting day, Sasha finds herself on set in a scene with Idara and after a few takes, the director gives everyone a 30-minute break. She relaxes on her chair, flanked by Jan and the other actress. They chat about what they had done during the break, starting off lighthearted and giggling. 

Meanwhile, even as the rest of the cast and crew not involved in the scene are either not on set yet or waiting in their trailers, Angie finds herself wanting to wander around, unable to sit still much longer. From her trailer door, she spots the trio of Sasha, Idara, and Jan sitting together by themselves, the rest of the crew obviously on a break. For a second, she considers going over to say hi, maybe even sneak up on them. She hesitates, knowing very well why, and then decides to stay where she’s at, just inside her trailer door, obscured from the threesome’s view. 

Angie watches the three smiling and laughing, and then quiet down, still talking. Obviously moving onto a more serious topic. Idara eventually gets up to stand next  to Sasha, then wraps the blonde up in a long hug. She watches Sasha’s arm around Idara’s waist, squeezing with much affection. She almost runs over, instinctively concerned.  When Idara sits back down, Angie doesn’t fail to see Sasha wiping at her eyes. Her eyes are glued to the blonde, she misses Jan calling over Sasha’s makeup person for a retouch. Jan then turns and says something that makes Sasha and Idara laugh and within minutes, they resume shooting. Angie, meanwhile remains clueless. 

What she had missed, standing a few hundred feet away, was Sasha inadvertently revealing to Idara that Edoardo and her are on a trial separation. While Jan had known about this, having been kept up to date since her last conversation with Sasha, no one else had known. Sasha asked both to keep the news to themselves, wanting privacy for her family’s sake.

\--------------------------------------------------

Regardless of what had been going on between them, Angie is unable to curtail her protective instincts, especially when it comes to Sasha. Half of her anxiety, she has to admit, has been caused by guilt. She knows she hasn’t actually been making much of an effort to reconnect with and rekindle her friendship with Sasha and now there’s this, her witnessing the woman she had been so close with obviously going through something. 

“Am I part of it? Could I be the reason for it?” she can’t help but ask herself. 

So now, she finds herself outside Sasha’s trailer at the end of shoot, waiting for the blonde. Pre-kiss, she would’ve headed inside without second thought. Now, she no longer feels comfortable enough to do so. 

“Angie?” 

The quiet voice startles her. “Oh, hey, there you are,” she manages to blurt out, awkwardly gesturing with her arm. 

“Yeah, you need anything? Were you waiting for me?” Sasha asks, obviously shocked to see Angie initiating interaction with her. 

“Yeah yeah. I mean no, I don’t need anything but yes, I was waiting for you,” Angie exclaims, nerves masked by energy. “I...I just…”

“Did you want to talk about tomorrow’s scene?”

“Tomorrow...tomorrow’s...scene? Oh! Tomorrow’s shoot, that scene. Yeah, no.”

Sasha couldn’t help her chuckle. “Which is it? Yes? No?”

“Oh no, no. That’s not why,” Angie clarifies, still not quite getting to her reply. 

“Oh.” Sasha looks even more confused. 

And exhausted. Angie couldn’t fail to notice the dark circles underneath her eyes. And then there’s her eyes. Her eyes that reflect so much...sadness. She’s not used to seeing sadness in Sasha’s eyes. She’s always loved Sasha’s laughing eyes, always full of joy and life. 

“How are you, Sash?” Angie asks quietly, taking a step toward the other woman. “Is everything ok?”

The question startles Sasha. It wasn’t what she had expected. Definitely not the genuine concern in Angie’s voice. She’d gotten used to impersonal Angie, to the on-the-other-side-of-the-wall Angie she had been working with. 

“Ok?” She echoes dumbly. “I mean yes, I’m...I’m ok. How are you?” She manages to bounce the question back, still caught off guard. 

“Are you sure? I...I wanted to actually apologize for...for how I’ve been behaving lately...I mean...”

Sasha’s heart stops for a moment, wanting to believe this is Angie sincerely reaching out to her this time. Not the Angie who had reached out previously, Sasha has concluded, just to get her back onboard the final season. The urge to believe leaves her emotions suddenly bubbling inside. 

With everything happening, her emotions have constantly been simmering just beneath the surface, waiting for something to trigger them to spill over. 

This, Angie showing concern, is a very likely trigger. 

“Also I...I saw you with Idara and Jan earlier and you looked upset...and I...I wanted to come over but I also didn’t want to intrude...” 

Sasha hears what Angie had said but her brain takes a while to process its meaning. Angie had seen her upset. She so wants to believe this is just Angie being concerned about her and not about the possibility of her quitting...again. Emotionally spent, Sasha decides she doesn’t have the energy to either confirm or disprove her suspicions. She just doesn’t think she can handle disappointment right now. 

“I’m sure, Angie. Don’t worry about it, I’m ok, we’re ok. 13 episodes, we’re done. We’ll do whatever we need to do to get through those, I’m sure.” 

She smiles, even though inside, she wants to break down and tell the woman she used to be able to confide everything to about what’s going on in her life. Inside, she just wants to throw her arms around Angie and feel the other woman’s arms around her. Instead, she reaches out to squeeze her forearm, mumbling a quick thank you and then an “I’ll see you tomorrow.” before turning around. It’s all she could do to keep from running toward Angie. 

Behind her, she misses Angie’s confusion grow into a frustrated scowl. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What the fuck happened there?” 

Angie asked herself the question a few times, walking away from Sasha’s trailer even more confused, and now frustrated and irritated, too. It was obvious there was something wrong but it Sasha wants to deny it to her then...there’s really nothing she could do. 

Seeing Idara headed for her car, Angie runs to the woman without thinking. 

“Hey, sweetie!”

“Oh, hey Ang! Last to leave again?” the dark-haired woman teases. 

“Always.” Angie smiles distractedly. “Hey, I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

“How’s...what’s going on with Sasha? Is everything ok with her?” She shifts nervously, not sure why she feels like they’re discussing top secret government information. 

“What do you mean?” Idara returns, suddenly looking uncomfortable and defensive.

“I saw you guys this morning. She looked upset. I was just wondering if everything’s ok.”

Idara stares at her a few beats, jaws set. “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

The harsh question from the usually sweet woman startles Angie, causing her to physically jump back. “What the…? I did! I actually asked her and she said everything’s ok, even though she was obviously lying. Didn’t want to pressure her.”

Idara sighs, quickly hugging Angie in apology. “I’m sorry. It’s just...you two used to be so close. Used to be, you would always be first to know. I just hate seeing all this...distance between you two now. Regardless of what the fuck caused it because, Lord knows, to this moment I have no idea.”

Angie keeps her eyes down on the ground, unable to look the other woman in the eye. She just nods. 

“Anyway,” Idara speaks up when it becomes obvious Angie won’t, “you got it straight from the horse’ mouth, right? She says she’s ok, she’s ok. Right?” 

“But…”

“Hey, I’d stay and talk but I gotta pick up my brother from LAX in an hour, should go now with all that 405 traffic.”  

They say a hasty goodbye, the other woman obviously anxious to leave. 

Used to be, you would always be first to know. 

She replays the words in her head. Obviously, there is something to know. 

Only, Sasha does not want her to know.

Angie walks away feeling deeply unsatisfied. Feeling like the outsider this time, knowing exactly how Sasha has been feeling for a while now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward. Two back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and reviews! Shout out to kanuck and coolbear! I'll finish this if only for you two, probably the only two left reading. ;)
> 
> Disclaimer as usual, this is 100% FICTION.

 Chapter 6

 

Angie never does find out what it was that had Sasha distressed that day she had witnessed her with Idara and Jan, wiping off tears. What the situation succeeded in doing, however, was make her feel bad enough about her treatment of Sasha that she has made more of an effort to engage the other on set.

By the third episode, she had felt compelled - and comfortable - enough to bring up the topic of their unfinished talk and of perhaps finishing it over coffee. Sasha had agreed almost immediately, her smile a little too eager for Angie’s already tenuous hold on her own emotions.

They find themselves at a small, quiet cafe with barely any other customers, seated across from each other. As has been the default lately, the air is heavy with nerves and awkwardness. After a minute or two of forced small talk, Sasha takes it upon herself to bring up the elephant in the room

“I’m sorry, Angie,” she begins, bravely looking directly at the other woman. “I’m sorry I messed up our friendship which meant...means the world to me.”

Angie’s jaw visibly tightens, tension immediately evident.

“Why?”

The question leaves Sasha a bit ruffled.

“Why did I mess it up?” she clarifies.

“No,” Angie’s head drops, obviously hesitating. She raises her head, returns Sasha’s anxious but unwavering gaze. “Why did you kiss me?”

Sasha’s cheeks redden promptly, now thoroughly flustered. “I...uh...I don’t know. I don’t really know...I was…”

“Experimenting?” Angie interrupts, more than a tad harshly. “Were you just bored?”

“No! No, of course not.” Sasha shoots her a disbelieving you-know-me-better-than-that look. Angie looks sufficiently chastened.

“Then why?” she presses, hating that she sounds whiny.

Sasha’s intake of breath lasts a bit longer this time. “Look, it was a very emotional time. We were both very emotional. You were...you were so upset, Angie. And I just...wanted to comfort you and I felt like I wasn’t doing a very good job of it. And then…” she halts, needing to catch her breath and drop her head, no longer able to hold Angie’s gaze as memories of that moment come flooding. She feels the burning heat on her cheeks. Forcing herself to look up, she’s surprised to find Angie looking down herself, pink coloring her cheeks. Seeing Angie’s discomfort somehow emboldens her. “And then I kissed you,” she pauses, waiting for Angie to meet her gaze. She doesn’t. “I kissed you and…” Angie continues to stare at her cup.  “And you kissed me back.”

At this, Angie’s head shoots up, meeting Sasha’s gaze, ready to object. What she sees in Sasha’s eyes stop her though. She sees fear in the blonde’s eyes. Fear of what? Of her denying that she had indeed kissed her back? It takes the wind out of her sails.

“I did, didn’t I?” she acknowledges finally.

Sasha looks shocked by the admission.

“Why?” she says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why what?”  


“Why did you kiss me back?”

Angie just stares at her for a good minute, her gaze intense. Sasha almost takes her question back.

“Because I wanted to.” Straightforward. No beating around the bush, her response exactly who she is, Sasha couldn’t help but think in the midst of her seemingly endless reactions of shock. “Now why did _you_ kiss me? It’s obviously not because you _just w_ anted to because then you would’ve just said that from the beginning. Like I did. So why?”

Flustered once again, it takes Sasha a while to reply. “You don’t think I actually wanted to?”

Angie only shrugs.

“I wanted to.”  Sasha takes yet another long intake of breath  “I had been wanting to.”

It’s Angie’s turn for that long inhale.

“For fuck’s sake, don’t play around, Sasha,” she says in a whisper, her inability to look Sasha in the eye contrasting her harsh words. “Don’t say things you don’t mean just...just for the sake of fucking saying it.”

Sasha lowers head, pushes her face closer to Angie’s, wanting to catch the brunette’s gaze. “But I did, Angie!” She moves as if to touch Angie’s hand but pulls back. “I did want to. I...I don’t know why I wanted to but I did. Or maybe...maybe I do...did know. I just wasn’t ready to deal with it.” She sits back, suddenly feeling tired and confused.

“Because you have a husband.”

“And kids.”

“Of course.”

They are as far apart as the backs of their chairs would allow, both all of a sudden overcome by weariness. This was long overdue, this laying out of cards on the table.

“Mostly because of the kids. Ed, too, of course. But...but in a weird way I was thinking more of the kids because if I _really_ thought about why I wanted to kiss you then that...that would force me to think about my marriage and if I did...then I would...I was afraid I would do something that would hurt our marriage and…” Her voice trails off, seemingly afraid to even say the next words.

“...and hurt the kids,” Angie finishes for her, now looking up, gaze back on Sasha.

“Yes.”

They stare at each other, at a loss for where to go next.  It’s taken them a while to get to this point and now that they’re at it, they both feel like this is the end of the road.

They continue to stare at each other, gazes both thoughtful and distracted. Finally, Angie shakes her head, the beginnings of a smile, a rueful one, showing.

“I hate that you make so much sense and yet I’m still at a loss.”

“Sorry?”

Angie holds a hand up, tilts her head, eyes never leaving Sasha’s face. “Let me...let me process everything you said. I get that you’d never want to hurt your children. You know I do. But, for you to be afraid of hurting your...marriage and the kids...that would mean that…” she trails off, clearly hesitant to put her next words out, “that the kiss meant something.”

Sasha’s calmly holds her gaze, a small smile tilting the corners of her mouth.

“It did.”

“Fuck.”  

This earns a scowl from Sasha who leans in again to rest her forearms on the table.

“Did you not want it to?”

“Yes!” Angie’s reply comes quickly. “No!” So does her retraction. She slumps back in her seat. “I don’t know!”

Sasha doesn’t speak, her deepening scowl communicating her feelings well enough.

After a minute of silence as Sasha regards Angie’s bowed head with an unhappy, somewhat disappointed look, she decides to speak up. Her voice when she does, is firm, aloof. “I guess just because you say you wanted to return the kiss does not mean it meant anything so...if you didn’t...don’t want it to mean anything, things can be so much simpler. Let’s just charge it to experience.” Sasha pauses before adding, “To boredom. Experimentation.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Angie says quietly

“That’s what you’re wanting.”

“Of course, that’s what I want. I don’t want it to mean anything.”

Sasha hates that she feels as much hurt as she does.

“Then it doesn’t. End of discussion.”

Angie leans in, Sasha sits back, now unable to handle having Angie too close.

“Sash, that’s  what I would want...but it’s not what reality it. Reality is…” she lays a palm out on the table, “it did. Or i wouldn’t have been so scared. Terrified actually. This is why I didn’t want to talk about it. It was easier to just be mad at you and then try to forget it happened.”

Sasha pushes herself forward, the hand opposite Angie’s coming to rest on the table, too. They find themselves almost nose to nose.

“You didn’t think i was scared?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think about it. I was too busy in my own head. Besides, you still have a husband, you still have a marriage, how much meaning could it have had, right?” Angie’s head drops.

“I don’t…”  

 _Have a husband. At least possibly not for long_. Sasha almost blurts it out.

“You don’t what?”

Sasha scrambles to find her way out of the inadvertent spill.

“I don’t understand how you could think it didn’t mean anything to me.”

“How could I have thought otherwise?” Angie asks, voice laced with frustration. “It changed nothing for you! Husband...marriage. Me? I just freaking thought about it endlessly and I couldn’t fucking stand to see you or even be near you because I was reminded of it and how good it had felt.” The blurted admission startles her into an abrupt halt from her rant. “Jesus,” she mumbles under her breath.

Sasha brings her other hand out from under the table,  placing it on top of Angie’s tightly clenched fist.

“But it did. And I did, too.”

Angie rakes the fingers of her free hand through her hair., too scared to look up, knowing how close Sasha’s face is to hers.  “It what? You did what, too?

She feels Sasha’s hand squeeze hers before hearing her voice. “It did change things. And I did think about it endlessly, too.”

“How did it -”

“And every time I saw you, I was reminded of how amazing it had felt, too.”

“Jesus, Sasha you shouldn’t -”

“And it made me feel so fucking guilty then,” Sasha declares, voice breaking, unable to bite the expletive back. Her eyes glimmer with the beginning of tears.

Angie pulls her hand out from underneath Sasha’s, insinuating them back underneath the blonde’s - this time their palms connecting.

“Hey…as fucked up as it may sound, I’m actually glad to hear I wasn’t the only one affected.”

Sasha pulls back a bit, rests her free elbow on the table, her head on her hand as she once again locks eyes with the other woman.

“That’s why I’ve been wanting to talk to you, Angie. I wanted to talk about it. I had to talk about it and…” she squeezes Angie’s fingers, “you were the only choice I had.”

“Sorry.”

“And you never did want to talk but…”

Angie’s ringing phone interrupts. She holds her screen up to Sasha, displaying her screen that shows one of her daughters calling. Sasha motions for her to go ahead and take it.

She hears one side of the conversation and mentions of facetime and homework before Angie hangs up, instantly looking apologetic.

“Let me guess, she needs your help with homework so you need to facetime her?”

“Yup.”

“Kids first, right?” Sasha smiles, looking both grim and understanding.

“Kids first.”

“Go, I’ll take care of the check.”

“Let me give you -”

“Aaaangie.”

Angie raises both hands up in mock surrender.

“Ok, ok. Thanks.”

They both get up to say goodbye but before they can even hug, Angie’s phone rings again, forcing a quick hug and a quick goodbye on them.

“Let’s do this again,” Angie whispers into Sasha’s ear before picking up the call.

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next time they get a chance to see each other again on set, Angie goes to see Sasha in her trailer with the goal of apologizing for their yet again interrupted talk.

She almost walks in without knocking, old habits and all that. Though they may be on better footing now, she feels they’re still not where they used to be.

She hears Sasha calling out for her to let herself in.

“Hey.” Angie finds Sasha on the makeup chair, looking like she needed not another bit of work from her makeup artist Linda. “Sorry, thought you wouldn’t be on makeup yet. Hey, Linda.”

Even Linda looks surprised to see Angie in her boss’ trailer, she hasn’t seen the brunette there in ages.

“Morning, Ang,” Sasha says, smiling widely and waving. Linda echoes her greeting.  “We started early, Linda has to pick her daughter up from LAX. I can do retouches until she gets back.”

“Oh, ok. Figures. Where’s your daughter flying in from? Didn’t she just start college?”

Sasha watches Angie talk to Linda like she was the most important person in the world. It’s one of the things she loves about her costar, that she treats everyone - be it cast or crew - with equal amounts of interest and regard.  Linda eventually has to run, leaving the other two by themselves.

“So…” Sasha starts, leaning against the vanity. “Not used to seeing you in here anymore,” she quips.

Angie laughs a little self-consciously. “Haven’t been here in a while. I guess you still wear those birks,” she teases back, raising an eyebrow at Sasha’s footwear. Sasha laughs loudly at this.

“They’re the best!” She quickly takes in Angie’s attire pausing at the Golden Goose sneakers they both love. She smiles again. “So, not that I’m complaining, ‘cause it’s actually great to see you here but...was there something you wanted?”

Angie pauses her own perusal of the blonde, hating that she had actually lingered on Sasha’s form-fitting tank. “Just wanted to say hi and apologize for our talk getting interrupted yet again.”

“No worries, kids always come first.”

They trade agreeing smiles.

“So anyway, since it ended abruptly, I was wondering…” Angie pauses, uncharacteristically nervous, “if you wanted to finish the conversation over...dinner maybe?”

“I’d like that.” Angie’s surprised, pleasantly so, that Sasha seemed like she didn’t even have to think.

“Great! How about...how about tonight? I was planning to broil pork chops and I was thinking maybe…”

“I can make the salad?”

“Yeah. you know…”

“Like we used to.”

They share a warm smile, both relieved that their friendship seems to be headed the right direction.

“Yeah, like we used to,” Angie echoes. “Wouldn’t mind you bringing the wine either.”

Sasha chuckles. “Of course.That sounds really good, Ang.”

“Ok. That’s all set then!” Angie bounces lightly, her characteristic boundless energy manifesting.  “Speaking of sets, I should be going. They’ll probably need me on set in a few.”

Angie again bounces on the balls of her feet for a beat, unsure of what to do. Sasha decides for her, pushing off the vanity and surprising the brunette with a hug. Angie quickly returns the hug, arms going around Sasha’s waist.

“I’ve missed your hugs. You were, and to this day, the best hugger I’ve ever met,” Sasha blurts, cringing when she realizes what had just come out of her mouth.

Angie doesn’t seem to mind the admission. She smiles and tightens her arms around a tiny waist.

“You’re not too bad yourself.”

The hug lasts longer than any they’ve shared lately. Sasha’s head moves towards Angie’s hair, close to her ear.

“Know my favorite part about your hugs?” she whispers.

“What?” Angie asks throatily, forcing the nervous lump in her throat away. She hears Sasha groan before feeling the blonde head fall on her shoulder.

“Never mind, it’s...it’s silly.”

“Hey,” she lightly pinches Sasha’s back, “We like silly, remember?”

She feels the vibration of a chuckle against her shoulder.

“We do.”

“So what is it?”

“It’s when…” Sasha hesitates, glad the other woman couldn’t see her now flushed face.

“Come on!” Angie prods her, pulling back slightly.

“It’s when you would hug me and then…” embarrassment results in further hesitation. “Agh. And then nuzzle your face against my neck. I like that you’re down to my height and I’m not having to go on tiptoes and I...I feel like I could just wrap myself around you for once,” she finishes in a rush, getting the words out before shame pushes them back down.

“Oh,” is all Angie could come up with. They’re both quiet, one silenced by a ridiculous amount of embarrassment, the other by indecision about what she’s about to do.

Finally, Sasha feels Angie move back a tad before hesitantly shifting to lower herself and do as Sasha had detailed just moments ago, nuzzling her face against the smooth expanse of skin. She doesn’t have to wait long before she feels arms tighten around and squeeze her shoulders.

They may not be aware of it, but they currently share the same feeling of overwhelming relief and contentment, locked in their extended embrace.

Neither knows how much longer they would have stayed where they were had it not been for the knock on Sasha’s door by one of the crew looking for Angie.

They pull away, both hesitant and shy.

“See you tonight?” Angie asks, summoning the courage to look up.

Sasha’s smile reassures her, calms her.

“Can’t wait.”

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s close to the end of shoot when Angie happens to look up and find Edoardo talking to Jan, obviously asking for Sasha when Jan gestures toward her trailer.

As much as she hates herself for feeling so, Angie couldn’t help but acknowledge the quick pause in her pulse and the pang of pain that came with seeing Sasha’s husband. She waves a greeting in response to Edoardo’s own wave, watching the man walk toward and then enter Sasha’s trailer.

As occupied as she is with the scene she’s in, Angie couldn’t help but notice the amount of time that’s passed since Edoardo’s arrival. Neither could she help the relief she feels when she finally sees him leaving almost an hour later.

She figures, completely clueless to the couple’s situation, that his visit may have something to do with their dinner later, probably something to do with their kids and what he’d need to do in Sasha’s absence.

Only when she sees Sasha approaching as she sits waiting for the next take does she feel a bit of nerves and a sense of dread.

“Hey,” she says first once Sasha gets close.

“Hey,” Sasha replies, obviously anxious. “Angie, I hate to do this but  can we -”

“Cancel the dinner?” Angie interrupts, feeling an inexplicable need to hide her disappointment and to protect herself.

“No, no,” Sasha replies quickly, chipping a piece off of Angie’s disappointment, replacing it with hope. “Not cancel, I was hoping we could...reschedule?”

Angie’s sharp intake of breath is the only outward clue to her well-disguised disappointment. “Sure, I mean yeah...sure.”

“I’m so sorry but Ed-”

“Hey, it’s ok. There’s always another time, right?” Angie interrupts quickly, brushing Sasha’s apology off before she could even fully express it.

Sasha wants to apologize further but with Angie looking entirely unaffected and not sharing the disappointment she feels, Sasha decides to let the rest of her apology go.

“Yeah, of course. I was thinking maybe tomor-”

“Hey, there’s plenty of time to take a raincheck. Let’s talk about it another time, Sash. Gotta get back to work.”  Angie gets up, pauses in front of Sasha.

She watches the hurt flash over the other woman’s features, quickly camouflaged. She wonders if she’s being too insensitive, not even hearing out her apology and explanation.  Maybe she shares the same amount of disappointment she feels. Before she could think further about what to do, she’s called over to set.

At a loss, she shoots what she hopes is a warm-enough smile at Sasha.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Sash. Bye!” And before she could talk herself out of it, quickly kisses the other woman’s cheek and then literally runs back to set.

Behind her, she leaves a thoroughly befuddled Sasha’s gaze trailing after her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More misunderstandings. Feelings are hurt, apologies are made, comfort offered. Change is coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, ya'll! Here's my holiday gift to everyone still hanging in there. Be safe and be happy this holiday season!  
> And thanks for still reading! Reviews are like xmas presents. ;)  
> (Apologies for any mistakes, was rushing this out before the festivities start.)

**Chapter 7**

 

Angie has been trying. Really hard. But since witnessing Edoardo’s on-set visit that later on derailed their planned dinner, she has found it incredibly difficult to get back onboard the train taking her and Sasha on a path back to friendship. Something else she has found difficult to do is explain the jealousy her backtracking seems to stem from. So she’s stopped trying to, opting instead to keep her distance in order to not have to think about it, choosing to keep backing up and away from Sasha. 

Again.

They’re now shooting the seventh episode, only six away from the end. Angie isn’t part of the scene but Sasha is and it’s an emotional one, something she has to admit she loves to watch her costar in.  Albeit, nowadays, only from afar.  

The director calls a wrap on the scene and Angie starts to head back toward her trailer. She stops, however, when she notices Sasha. She sees her standing in front of her chair with her back to the crew, appearing to still be crying. She watches for a second or two, thinking this is just Sasha inhabiting her character a little too intensely. When the blonde’s shoulders start to shake, when one of her hands curls around her middle while the other covers her mouth to stifle her sobs, Angie walks briskly to set. She doesn’t think, just follows her instincts.

She approaches Jan, off to the side and oblivious to Sasha. 

“Hey, Jan…”

Jan turns, surprised to see Angie on set when she’s not in the scene.

“Hey, Ang. What’s up?” Angie walks close to Jan, whispers. 

“I think you should check on Sasha,” Jan looks toward the blonde over Angie’s shoulder. “She looks...upset.”

“Why don’t you?” Jan says quietly. “I really have to run. They’re setting up next scene, they need me.”

“But…” Angie shifts nervously. 

“I really have to go. I’ll clear the set, you go check on her.” Jan gives Angie a reassuring squeeze on the arm before turning around while ordering the crew to pack up. It’s barely a minute before the set is practically cleared of both crew and equipment. 

It takes Angie a bit longer to muster the courage to approach Sasha, who by now seems to have recovered a bit and is about to walk back to her trailer. 

Angie catches up, lightly putting a hand on Sasha’s back. 

“Hey.”

Sasha jumps slightly, startled. She tries to disguise a hand wiping her eyes. 

“Oh, hey, Angie.”

“Are you ok?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I’m ok. Just uhm...must be catching a bug.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

  
“‘Cause you looked perfectly healthy earlier.”

They stop walking, standing next to Sasha’s trailer by now. 

Sasha’s head drops, unable to look at Angie who stands facing her left side.  She shrugs but still says nothing. Angie rests her right hand on Sasha’s back, not sure what to say either. A part of her relieved they’re not standing face to face, equally unable to meet the other’s gaze.

They stand for a while in silence, Angie’s thumb lightly skimming over Sasha’s back. 

“I…” Sasha starts, still looking down at her hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just couldn’t stop crying earlier and…” she stops again, shakes her head as if trying  to rid it of its contents.

“Is there something I can do?”

Sasha shrugs, shakes her head again. After a moment, her bowed head drops even lower.

“I...I maybe could use a hug.”

The reply causes Angie’s breath to hitch but she doesn’t hesitate. Her arms slide around Sasha, pulling her close, side to front. Both her arms rest hesitantly, self-consciously, on Sasha’s arm. They stand quietly in this awkward hug before Sasha’s arms come up to hold on to Angie’s left arm resting lightly on her front  She pauses for a beat but then lets her head lean tiredly against Angie’s chest. An ear lands directly over Angie’s heart and hears the unmistakable acceleration in rhythm. 

“Thank you. This feels good,” Sasha whispers quietly, shyly. 

“Yeah,”  is all Angie can muster in response, grimacing at the awfully husky sound of her own voice. 

After a while, “Are we ever going to talk again?”

Again, Angie’s breath hitches, her immediate response is to panic, get defensive. Run. 

“I don’t know Sash. I don’t know what good it’ll do.” She chooses to reply honestly instead.

“I...thought the first one was very helpful.” Sasha turns her head slightly toward Angie without relinquishing its spot on her chest. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.”

“What do you mean? Wasn’t it?” Sasha’s head now completely leaves its spot, turns as much as their position would allow as she finds herself needing to see Angie’s face. 

Angie watches the hurt and confusion on Sasha’s eyes and couldn’t help the pang of guilt. On instinct, her right hand moves up to the back of Sasha’s head. She forces herself to meet Sasha’s gaze.

“It was. Or maybe it wasn’t. I was just even more confused after.”

Sasha goes quiet, pensiveness replacing confusion and hurt. 

“Then we really need to finish that conversation. Tonight? I can cook for you,” Sasha offers, guarded but hopeful.

Angie sighs, not sure if she can really say no to Sasha when they’re this close.

“I don’t know...maybe?”  Sasha gives her an imploring look that elicits a resigned sigh. Angie’s head drops against Sasha’s, giving in to the urge for more contact. “Can I let you know?”

“Of course.” Sasha smiles, eager to take that answer over an outright no. Angie raises her head, smiling her thanks for Sasha not pressing the matter more. Sasha’s head returns to its spot on Angie’s chest. They stand quietly, both lost in their own thoughts before Angie hears her name being called to set. Reluctantly, they break apart, now disconnected and nervous. Eventually, with bashful smiles, they say goodbye and promise to finalize plans, if any, later in the day. 

~~~~~~~~~~

An overwhelming sense of deja vu overcomes Angie when just after lunch, she spies Ed once again go into Sasha’s trailer. This time, staying even longer. When he finally leaves, she watches the couple hug for a long time and then kiss just outside Sasha’s trailer. 

She turns to walk away, feeling once again this inexplicable heaviness she refuses to label. Mostly out of fear, afraid of naming this emotion and giving it more power. 

  
She misses Sasha’s eyes on her back. The blonde caught Angie’s retreating figure in the corner of her eye as she was going back into her trailer. She thought about going after her to ask about dinner but something stops her. Something about the way Angie’s walking while shaking her head tells her this may not be the best time so she decides against it. 

The last scene of the day has both of them in it. As soon as it wraps, Sasha approaches Angie off to the side. 

“Hey,” she lightly touches the taller woman’s back. 

Angie pauses from gathering her things from her chair, looking hesitant to even acknowledge her. “Hey.”

“So, have you thought about it?”

Angie sighs, sounding a tad more frustrated than regretful. “You mean dinner tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I have and no, I can’t be there. Sorry.” She casts but a brief glance at Sasha as she says this, continuing to gather her things from her chair. 

“Well…” Sasha’s at a loss for what to say, taken aback by this turnaround and Angie’s seeming indifference. “What about -”

“Sorry, Sash, really gotta go call my daughter. I’ll see you around,” Angie says quickly, walking away without a second glance. 

“What about this weekend…” Sasha says under her breath, to no one, as she watches Angie rush away. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next shoot day marks the first day of Angie’s directorial debut on the show.  The first scene is at the BPD set and has everyone but Lorraine in it. 

Ten minutes past seven, Sasha arrives. More than an hour late and looking rough, harried, sunglasses on. 

She rushes onset, apologies flying and looking really embarrassed.  Everyone else waves her apologies off, some even checking if she’s ok, not missing the roughness of her appearance. 

Everyone but Angie. 

“Call time’s at 6. Everyone was here even before that,” she says, loud enough for everyone to hear. 

“Hey no worries, didn’t even realize it’s been that long,” Bruce chimes in, always the voice of reason.  “Got to shoot the breeze with these guys.”

“I’m  really sorry, Angie. Something...something came up last night and I didn’t get to bed till 3 and somehow missed my alarm.”  Sasha turns towards the crew and rest of the cast, “I’m so so sorry for making you wait, guys.”

  
Again, there are murmurs of “don’t worry about it” and “no worries” all around. 

“Yeah, everyone just gets to stay an hour longer and now it might be too dark out when we get to that last scene. This is what call times are for - “

“Let it go, Angie. We’ll find a way around it.” Jan finally interrupts, quietly but firmly cutting Angie’s rant off. 

Everyone else watches Sasha practically run to her trailer, mumbling about rushing to make-up while obviously disguising tears. 

Idara moves to go after Sasha but when she sees Jan follow her blonde co-star, she goes to  Angie instead.  Comfortable enough in their friendship, she practically drags the much taller woman to the side, away from crew and cast. 

“Dammit, Angie, did you have to embarrass her like that? I thought you two had gotten over whatever it was that was going on. That was uncalled for and unprofessional,” she rattles off in a frustrated whisper.

“She was unprofessional!” Angie instantly goes on the defensive. “Making everyone late.”

“I was late the other day, too, and you said nothing!”

“Because!”

“Because what?”

“Because it wasn’t the entire cast and crew waiting!”

“So you’re really just mad because this time, there’s all these other bigger stars waiting, not just crew and a few extras?”

“Of course not! Fuck, Idara, you know me better than that!” Angie glares at her friend and costar. 

Idara sighs and then reaches out to Angie’s arm. “I know, I’m sorry,” she apologizes quickly. It’s just...that was harsh and unnecessary, Angie. She was obviously already...in distress and then you had to jump on her, too.”

“We’re all going through something,” Angie says, looking down, uncompromising in her stance. “So much drama.”

Idara shoots her a sharp, disappointed look. “I thought you, more than anyone, would understand what she’s going through.”

  
“What the fuck is she going through?” Angie questions, hands up in frustration. “And why the fuck should I always be the one to understand her - “

“A divorce!” 

“- side. What about my - a divorce?” She stops abruptly, Idara’s words penetrating her rant. “She’s getting divorced? What? Since when?”

Idara groans, covers her face with her hands. “Ugggh. I shouldn’t have said anything!”  She meets Angie’s gaze, sees her furrowed brows. “But I’ve already said it,” she says resignedly. “Just...she didn’t want everyone to know. They finalized it yesterday. She didn’t want sympathy and all that, she didn’t want it to be what everyone talked about. Especially today, your first day directing. And she wanted it away from the press. She’s...just please take it easy on her.”  Idara finishes her mini rant, imploring Angie with a tight smile. 

“Of course, idara. If I had known...ok fuck, even if I hadn’t known - which I didn’t - I shouldn’t have been so freaking insensitive.  I’ll go apologize.”  This time, Angie brings her hands up to her face, rubbing vigorously in frustration. Guilt and shame overcome her, almost matching the amount of concern she feels. She just wants to find Sasha and see if she’s ok. She just wants to wrap her in a big hug. 

Idara nods, gives Angie a quick hug before walking back to set. 

Angie starts to walk toward Sasha’s trailer but stops when she sees Sasha walking toward her, Jan walking next to her. She walks faster, catches the pair before they make it on set.  

“Hey, Sash...I’m sorry for being an ass back there.”

“No, I’m sorry, Angie. That was unprofessional and disrespectful of me, being late like that. I’m so sorry it had to happen on your first day directi-”

“What? No, I don’t care about that. I was being a bully and that was highly unnecessary.”

“Don’t worry about it, we should really get on with the shoot. I’ve kept everyone waiting long enough.”

“Yeah but…”

“Yeah?”

By this time, Jan has quietly walked away from them, the other two oblivious to her departure. 

Angie has not idea what to say, knows she can’t say anything in front of everyone.  So she starts to apologize again. 

“I’m really sorry.” She lays a hand on Sasha’s arm, moves as if wanting to hug the other woman. 

  
Sasha, still highly emotional and overcome by this unexpected gesture from Angie, swallows back tears. She squeezes Angie’s hand but does not meet her gaze, afraid she would give in to tears if she does. 

“I am, too. So sorry.” 

They go quiet, Angie’s eyes locked on Sasha’s bowed head.  She really wants to but can’t seem to muster the guts to wrap her arms around the blonde. Finally, Sasha gives Angie’s hand another squeeze and then looks up, planning on giving her but a quick look before walking away. Instead, when she finally dares to look at Angie, she catches her smiling at her with utmost tenderness. 

And affection. 

Something she’s desperately missed and currently craves. 

They hold each other’s gazes for a while before a loud noise snaps them out of their shared trance. Sasha smiles gratefully and then walks toward the set. 

“Sash?” Angie’s voice stops her on her tracks. 

“Yeah?”

“I’d really like to make you dinner tonight.”

  
Caught completely off-guard, Sasha opens her mouth but doesn’t say a word. Her chest tightens with emotion and she has to swallow several times to keep her tears at bay. 

“Ok.”

This time, she doesn’t think. Angie just walks briskly toward Sasha and then gathers the other woman in her arms. Even gives in to the impulse to press a kiss against blonde head.  Her mouth still pressed against Sasha’s hair, she says quietly, “Thank you. And I’m really sorry.”


End file.
